Look, before I begin, I want to apologize for the theme of this week’s recap. I’m not proud of it. My husband is not proud of it. Derek, for whatever reason, seems fine with it, but probably even he is not fine with it. There are lots of reason why it’s kind of cringe-y, including: it’s super trolly; we have not been particularly big-brother-like in the past, oh, decade; and on the off-chance Dark Prince Mark Dantonio stumbles across this post, it’s perfect bulletin-board material for next year’s crop of Sparties.
And yet. AND YET!
What other theme could there be?
I tried to come up with some. I pondered dark princes, but dismissed it after I realized that I’m not sure that anyone other than me habitually refers to Dantonio as the Dark Prince. I thought about couches – because, you know, they burn them – which had potential, but not that much potential. I briefly considered doing some sort of 300-related thing, but I haven’t actually seen 300, so that post would have been limited to basically just this:
And yeah, I just – literally just right now – realized that this image isn’t even from 300, it’s from Gladiator. See, this would have been a terrible idea, and no one would have been entertained at all.
You see my dilemma. So: I’m sorry.
SCORE PREDICTION VS. ACTUAL SCORE
My prediction: Michigan 35, Michigan State 10. I wanted to predict a blowout, mostly because of pent-up frustration, I think, but my superstitious side prevented me from actually doing it. Which is fine, because…
Actual score: Michigan 32, Michigan State 23. It wasn’t as close as that indicates, I don’t think, but whateverrrrr, I was still wrong.
Difference: 16 points. More than two touchdowns. In the world of little brothers, my prediction is
DJ Conner, from Roseanne. He’s there because the family needed a boy, but his plot lines were always annoying and you can tell, somehow, just by looking at him, that he was a kid who farted a lot. In other words, whatever. He exists, but he’s not anyone’s favorite, and it’s not like you’d care one way or the other if he disappeared.
(Rubs hands together) I would be lying to you if I said I hadn’t been waiting with glee for this moment.
Michigan State’s mascot needs no introduction.
And he sucks.
Sparty is a plush, pilled af costume (like he’s permanently covered in goosebumps, which I guess he might be) with embroidered muscle lines, green shinguards, black soulless eyes and … fingernails.
Yep. Freakin’ fingernails.
In case he gets into a catfight, I guess? To better grip the goalpost in the event of a post-game riot?
I get that I’m biased because Sparty represents Michigan State and I hate Michigan State, but I feel like even objectively, he’s just the worst. He is a dude wearing a costume of a dude, like Michigan State couldn’t be bothered to ask someone to develop actual muscles to wear the spartan outfit and instead just manufactured a stuffed-animal version of someone who drinks protein shakes and doesn’t skip leg day. Then they topped it with a face that mixes Gaston
and the indifferent emoji
with a hefty dash of Axe body spray. He’s super punchable, and despite his (fake) muscles, you really get the idea it wouldn’t even be hard to take him down. In short, he’s
Matt Stifler is Stifler’s little brother, an annoying and punchable guy who was mostly a background character in the first two (popular) American Pie movies before becoming the main character in the crappy, forgettable Band Camp spinoff that you probably didn’t see. (This already fits the Michigan State narrative, but let’s keep going.) Because you probably don’t remember him – like you’d probably like to forget about Sparty and his manicure – here’s a rundown of his antics.
- Had a relationship with his crush Elyse, which he ruined by running her bra and clothes up the flagpole in an effort to impress his older brother.
- Watched the infamous Jim-and-Nadia live-stream while hovering awkwardly in the background behind Stifler, trying and failing to be relevant.
- Spent a night at a beach-house party with his brother and their friends, trying to talk to girls before eventually giving up and just stealing everyone’s porn.
- In later movies, was described as “a bigger asshole than his brother.”
- IS VERY FREAKIN’ PUNCHABLE.
Basically, you’d really like to erase him from your memory, but he’s too obnoxious, and in case you ever really did forget about him, there’s plenty of video evidence to remind you.
ANNOYING THING OF THE WEEK
This game. Would. Not. Die. IT WOULD NOT DIE. And then just when it was mercifully about to die – MSU was down seven with one second left on the clock after scoring their last garbage-time touchdown – Dark Prince Dantonio decided to go for a two-point conversion.
THIS IS WHY NOBODY LIKES YOU, MARK.
That decision is the little-brother equivalent of Fuller from Home Alone.
WHAT DOES FULLER DO?
THIS IS WHY NO ONE LIKES YOU, FULLER.
HAPPY THING OF THE WEEK
Well…you know. The ending of that two-point conversion situation went OK for us.
Runner-up happy thing:
You’re kinda weird, Paul, but we really like having you around. You’re Brennan Huff.
You can play our drums anytime.
IT’S LIAM HEMSWORTH AGAIN.
So cute! So colorful. So endangered.