Post-game, post-mortem: Rutgers, JERSEY SHORE EDITION

Posted on Posted in Michigan Football, Ridiculousness

Back when the Big Ten expanded for the second time (for reasons that, admittedly, never had a damn thing to do with football), we were all like “…Maryland and Rutgers?”

Then Michigan proceeded to lose. To Maryland. And to Rutgers.

…Yeeeeah.

For the first 8ish minutes of this year’s Rutgers game, that loss was pretty much all the announcers talked about. And then, suddenly, they stopped.

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…Yeeeeah.

Because of this (and so many other reasons, bless), the only theme one could possibly select for a recap of this shit show is Our Patron Saint Of Actual Shit Shows:

Yep. Jersey Shore. Don’t resist it. Slather on the tanning lotion and strap on in.

SCORE PREDICTION VS. ACTUAL SCORE

This week’s roundtable featured a bevy of logical predictions that cited rankings and statistics and other fact-based things.

Then there was my prediction.

59-0. “Because anything they can do, we should do better.”

One-upping me on that front was Mr. Patrick Connors.

“69-0, Michigan,” he predicted. Because:

pats-prediction

 

Actual score: 78-0.

78-0.

SEVENTY-EIGHT

to

NOTHING.

Patrick was more right than I was, but really the lesson we have to learn from this is that SNARK IS ALWAYS RIGHT, PEOPLE.

SNARK.

IS ALWAYS.

RIGHT.

In other words, Patrick’s and my score predictions are

that time JWoww decided not to make out with Pauly D and instead left the bar early to drink water and eat Deli-Fresh pre-sliced ham. It sounds kind of wrong BUT IT TURNS OUT TO BE PRETTY STINKING RIGHT. You know who didn’t wake up hungover and regretting her life choices? JWoww. You know who didn’t wake up regretting their score predictions? KATE AND PATRICK. (I also didn’t wake up hungover, but I can’t speak for Patrick.)

 

MASCOT RANKINGS

Rutgers’ mascot is the Scarlet Knight. There are three iterations of him, which I frankly have to prepare myself for emotionally because this is already too much work for a recap post about Rutgers.

First up, cartoon Scarlet Knight:

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He’s a shiny, silver, wide-hipped fella wearing a red dress and sporting an amazing Disney-princess ponytail.

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Next, real-life human Scarlet Knight.

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He’s oddly…shiny. His cape has fringe. He’s a cross between an extra-fabulous Power Ranger and a human-sized red Solo cup, which, somehow, seems like an appropriate analogy for New Jersey.

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it’s not your fault, red Solo cup.

Finally, we’ve got plush-costume Scarlet Knight.

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You’re thinking it. I’m thinking it. Let’s just come to terms with it: he’s Jersey Sparty.

In moon boots.

Altogether, this seems like a hot mess. Why do you have three of this thing? Could you not decide which one is best (HINT: IT’S NOT JERSEY SPARTY)? It’s a…situation, which, of course, makes it The Situation.

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He’s not the most annoying thing you’ve ever seen, and he’s really not worth the effort it would take to punch him, but just…why is this a thing? Why was it ever a thing?

 

SAD THING OF THE WEEK

Oh. Oh. There are so many sad things. So very, very many.

For example, there were these cute old men who fire the cannon after Rutgers scores a touchdown. They got to fire it finally when Rutgers returned a turnover for a touchdown…only to have the touchdown reversed minutes later after a replay revealed that the ball had bounced off the ground before being intercepted.

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“Just like you can’t unring a bell…” one of the game announcers began, then trailed off after realizing that he didn’t care enough to finish. Kind of like Rutgers, I guess.

Then there’s the moment after Rutgers got its first first down of the game (halfway through the, um, fourth quarter) and the fans started hugging each other.

The very saddest is the guy in the red fleece with the sunglasses on his head who can clearly be seen saying, joyfully, “First down! We got one!”

And then we have the Rutgers band giving up on life and playing Hail To The Victors. At home. In their stadium. While losing. By 70 points.

 


This might all be funny if it weren’t just so SAD.

It’s very Angelina.

original

Angelina rolled up to the Jersey Shore house with her belongings in trash bags, spent three episodes being ridiculed by her castmates, and quit the show, only to spend the rest of the season bitching to tabloids in an effort to get recast in season two. I think it worked and then she left early again, but I do not care enough to look it up, and really, either way, these are sad life choices. Why, Angelina? Why audition for this horrible show? Why get out of it once and then try to come back?

Why, Rutgers? Why come to the Big Ten and try to play football? Why force your fans to celebrate a first down? Why is your band playing our song in your stadium?

Why, Angelina?

Why, Rutgers?

 

HAPPY THING OF THE WEEK

Well.

We won 78-0 without trying very hard. This makes Ohio State’s 58-0 victory look pretty piddly. It also caused the announcers to run out of things to say about the game circa the third quarter, when they began debating such important topics as the ties they were wearing and Jabrill Peppers’ choice of hat versus visor.

“You just saw it,” one said breathlessly. “He’s even versatile in terms of headwear.”

Also, per Harbaugh and those announcers and lots of other people, Peppers is going to win the Heisman this year (unclear whether his headwear choices factor into that).

Peppers was the Snooki of this game.

They’re both from New Jersey, they both had their breakout moments in their home state, they’re both endearing, and whether you admit it or not, you know they’re both your favorites.

(Look, I realize that only one of them has any real discernible talent, but when your recap theme is Jersey Shore, some comparisons are going to be a stretch. Just work with me here, people.)

 

RANDOM CAMERA-PAN MOMENT OF THE WEEK

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This man on the Rutgers sideline has seen things, y’all.

He’s the Jersey Shore house duck phone.

duck-phone

He didn’t ask to be a witness to this carnage.

 

ON DECK

Bye week.

No, Angelina, it’s a bye…you know what, just, never mind.

Kate Elizabeth Queram

2 thoughts on “Post-game, post-mortem: Rutgers, JERSEY SHORE EDITION

  1. KEQ, the Nick Carter/BSB gif made me guffaw. Gold, pure gold. And I can neither confirm nor deny that I sang it out loud.

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