Give or take a few points (math is hard and dumb), Michigan’s offense over the last two games has basically scored one point per minute.
It’s math I can get behind, I guess. Other math I can get behind: 2-0, no. 4, and a game so boring I am pretty sure it lasted for 12 hours.
It’s still the best kind of boredom, though. The kind of boredom that comes from knowing we aren’t going to lose, even if the run game is playing invisible at the moment and Central Florida scored some points but those were also so boring that it literally did not occur to me to mention the name of our opponent until this, the third paragraph of my recap post.
Onto the good stuff. Below are highlights from the UCF game, all following this week’s theme of: BEVERAGES. (Is that because I am drinking wine while I write this? MAAAYBE.)
SCORE PREDICTION VS. ACTUAL SCORE
My prediction: 42-17, Michigan. Because reasons, including a no. 5 ranking debuting before an allegedly crappy team.
Actual score: 51-14, Michigan. Because UCF is actually kind of a crappy team.
Difference: 12 points total. If my prediction were a beverage, it’d be…
…Coke Zero. It’s too spicy and sweet to be Diet Coke but isn’t sweet enough to be regular Coke. Something about it just tastes slightly off, but at the end of the day, it’s close enough and it works as a chaser so who really cares?
UCF’s mascot is the golden knight. There are two versions of him. One looks like this.
That version – the cartoon plush knight – is fine, as Sparty-like mascots go. I like his big gold shoes and the vaguely Boba Fett thing that’s happening with his mask (really the only thing that makes him even slightly menacing). On the beverage scale…
…he’s bubble tea. It’s cute and sort of fun and probably harmless, but you can’t totally dismiss it because of those weird-ass bubbles. Just. Why.
The other version of the knight is this guy, who rides in on a noble steed while the bubble-tea bro looks on sadly from afar.
He’s regal af. His gold costume has an authentic patina and his horse looks straight out of He-Man.
He’s scotch on the rocks.
I don’t want to drink it, but I’m impressed when other people do. (Also, they’re the same color.)
TECHNICALITY: UCF didn’t bring their mascot to the Big House, which more or less renders these comparisons obsolete. You’re both spilled milk, and I’m not crying over you.
JK I am a little. Visiting teams, please stop depriving me of your mascots.
UCF did in fact bring the cartoon plush knight to the game—he just received NO camera time. Thanks, Derek.
this is what it’s like to work with me. every editor I’ve ever had can confirm.
SAD THING OF THE WEEK
Run game. Run game! Where are you? Are you hiding strategically so as not to give anything away before we play Real Teams ™? Are you just hanging out playing video games because the passing game is going fine? You’re confusing. You’re a Jager bomb as served at the bar down the street from my house.
The key elements are all there, but they’re presented all wrong. Why. Why do you this to me.
HAPPY THING OF THE WEEK
Wilton Speight (Harbeight) continues to exist and improve, which the Big Ten took note of by naming him its offensive player of the week. That doesn’t really mean anything in the grand scheme of things, but it looks – and feels! – pretty darn good.
That conference recognition is kinda like Vitamin water. It’s neon sugar water that probably isn’t doing too much ACTUAL good for your well-being, but dang if you don’t get a little lift from it anyway.
Vitamin water is not a great analogy for Speight himself, though.
He is, of course, a tall drink of water.
ON DECK: COLORADO
The game won’t be very tasty but will eventually get the job done. Plus mountains!
Thanks, tiny dog. I’m glad someone gets me.