4th and 31: Hawaiian Luau Edition

Posted on Posted in Michigan Football
It’s back. It’s finally back.

After drudging our way through one of the worst summers on record, (RIP Harambe, Prince, Gene Wilder, Election 2016, Ali, Kimbo Slice, et al.) a cool breeze has blown through the great lakes state. Now, to my knowledge Keanu Reeves (Made a killer Keanu Joke there, NBD) won’t be in attendance at Saturday’s Hawaiian Luau. Who will be, however, is Jim Harbaugh and the boys in blue. After a summer where I’ve spent an unhealthy amount of time wrestling with whether to cast a vote for a dead gorilla or an extinction-level meteor impact for president, to finally know that Michigan football is here is such a comforting feeling. When Chris Wormley and Jake Butt lead the team out of the tunnel on Saturday afternoon, a small sense of order will be restored to my universe.


Before we get into Hawaii, I wanted to set aside some time for straight talk about last season.

I have to be honest with you, last year sucked. Sure, there were redeeming moments and it certainly was a MAJOR improvement from the days when this was the best highlight of a game, however it just felt empty. With soul crushing losses to both MSU and OSU, all of the gains the boys made last year were haunted by failure to close out the big game. So deflating was the loss to MSU that it ended my blogging career for the season. I think I tossed up one half-hearted attempt after the loss, and ended up avoiding Derek’s texts and calls requesting content for the remainder of the season. But this is a new season, a new team, and I’m attacking it with a new outlook on life. Attacking it, as some might say, with enthusiasm unknown to mankind.


With that out of the way, let’s get into the particulars on Hawaii.

Who do these guys think they are? As you may have read, Hawaii has requested Michigan scrimmage tape because, having already played a game, Hawaii is at a disadvantage having not seen Michigan play a game. Do they not understand that’s the point? Pro-tip for Hawaii in the future; don’t play a football game in Australia on a Friday before the *actual* season starts. If you were that concerned about a lack of game tape, don’t play the game! In a Big House Report exclusive, we have recovered the tapes from Jim Harbaugh phone call with Hawaii’s staff showing them PLEADING for practice tape.


(RIP Gene Wilder)

Weak move by Hawaii here. Some might even say it was “low energy”. Seriously, who in their right mind thought it would be a good idea to call up Jim and ask for help beating him? What other response did they think they would get?

Full disclosure I was going to poke fun at the Haka dance the Hawaiian Football team does during pregame (Hi Vox), but after watching it, I gotta admit it’s pretty cool. Take a look:


I’d be legit concerned about No. 48 messing around summoning some kind of demon on Saturday. Seriously, the amount of commitment in that guy’s eyes has me real concerned for the spiritual well-being of the Big House. Keep an eye out for the lineman trying to do this at Saturday’s game though. Sure, the ripped Hawaiian dudes get through the Haka no problem, but the big boys have better things to do like not die from exhaustion. The big boys are Haka’d out by the end of it, and I’m Haka’d out just watching the thing.

Sidenote: A new colleague of mine brought up an interesting theory that Wilton Speight is ACTUALLY a young Jim Harbaugh from the past blasting to our present to..? We don’t really know yet. I’m a little concerned about the whole paradox situation if that is true. Theoretically, we can’t say for certain that Speight ISN’T Jim unless Jim and Wilton were to come into contact with one another. But if he were to touch “Wilton” (Young Jim), the universe would implode in on itself and we’d all be left without Michigan football on Saturday’s. Seems a little selfish of Time Traveling Jim if you ask me. “Wilton Speight” better have some good answers as to why he is here. I’ll be keeping my eyes on the sideline (Or the pocket) to see if Jim ever actually touches Wilton. Until we see that definitively, the Big House Report will be working under the assumption that the two are the same person.

Keep your eyes peeled on the sidelines this Saturday for all the action, and as always GO BLUE!

Jim Salow
Jim Salow is a senior Business student at Spring Arbor University. He enjoys knitting cats pajamas, reading spicy hot takes, and writing his own bios. Obviously, he takes himself very seriously. Presently, he writes the 4th and 31 column on Game Weeks.