4th and 31: A Fan’s Guide to Hating Maryland

Posted on Posted in Michigan Football

​Wow. What a win last week at the Big House! It’s been a while since we’ve seen the boys play that well. So many highlight-reel plays that are guaranteed to be included in a lot of season recaps. But now it’s all eyes ahead to a deadly Maryland Terrapins team… (Alright I can’t do it. Maryland sucks. If the boys struggle in the least with the Terrapins Saturday, it’d be a huge disappointment.)

There’s no better place to start in on the Terrapins than the uniforms. What the hell guys? Look I totally get it, you want to place emphasis on the state shield and not your turtle mascot, but if both of those options suck you ARE allowed to go in a different direction. But Maryland’s uniforms don’t suck in the typical “Wow that’s an ugly combination.” Or “Those sock combinations just don’t jive” (I know some people get extra picky when it comes to socks). Maryland’s uniforms suck in the sense that I could spontaneously develop epilepsy watching their sad excuse for a football team scramble around the field. It’s probably some sort of tactical advantage for Maryland’s defense, being that any QB they face could literally collapse in seizures at any point during the game, but is that advantage really worth anything when you look that bad? I personally don’t hate Under Armor apparel as a whole, but Maryland’s kit is a stain upon the entire company. (Photo attached for those who have no idea what I’m talking about.)

With jerseys out of the way, lets get on to a more pressing and dangerous topic: The weather. This weekend could get hairy in Maryland, as tropical storm Joaquin bears down on the east coast. (As a side note; really? Joaquin? This is the best we can do for storms now? If storms have to be named alphabetically and we are currently on J, why not Tropical Storm Jay-Z? He’s a much more accomplished rapper than Joaquin Phoenix ever was. In fact, from here on out, Tropical Storms and Hurricanes should exclusively get Wu-Tang Clan rap names. Think about how much more ominous Tropical Storm Zexy Desperado sounds. You’d get the hell out of the way of that storm, I can guarantee that. At this point I think this is less of a side note and more of an endless rabbit hole of thoughts that don’t really lead anywhere or mean anything. So be it.) So what is the plan if “Joaquin” decides to crash the party and poop in the pool? Well dear readers, I believe I have the solution. PLAY THE GAME ANYWAYS. This isn’t some pansy SEC team that has to sit and wait out the lightning delays, THIS IS A JIM HARBAUGH TEAM THAT EATS LIGHTNING FOR BREAKFAST WITH WHOLE MILK. I’m sure if Jim had his way this team would not only play through this storm, but would actively seek out and play in riskier conditions. I have no doubt that Jim will be outside in Maryland Saturday with his shirt off and khakis on throwing routes in a CAT 1 Hurricane just to say that he did. And that’s why we love the guy.

I’ll wrap on the Terrapin. Just what is a Terrapin, where does it come from, and why does it matter? Short answers: A turtle, some stupid pond in Maryland, and it doesn’t. Look I get that every college team in America is vying for a distinctive mascot that stands out from the crowd, and in this category the Terps achieve what they set out to do. However, the Terrapin is pretty underwhelming as far as turtles go. Essentially this thing is the size of your hand and swims away from danger at every opportunity. Why not go with a menacing turtle? The snapper is always a good call if you are looking to lose digits or an entire hand. Or what about the ninja turtles? (Speaking of ninja turtles it is getting close to dinner time and I’ve got nothing by way of food around here. Pizza it is!)

Stay safe out there this weekend and GO BLUE!
Jim Salow
Jim Salow is a senior Business student at Spring Arbor University. He enjoys knitting cats pajamas, reading spicy hot takes, and writing his own bios. Obviously, he takes himself very seriously. Presently, he writes the 4th and 31 column on Game Weeks.