4th and 31: A Fan’s Guide to Hating Northwestern

Posted on Posted in Michigan Football

It is finally here. The week we’ve all been waiting for. A SHOWCASE OF OLD TIME MEEECHIGAN FOOTBAWW!! I hope y’all have several pairs of clean drawers for Saturday, BECAUSE WHEN THESE TWO DEFENSIVE TITANS CLASH WHO KNOWS WHAT YOU WILL DO TO THEM?!

Alright, that was gross. And a lot of shouting. But I just cannot contain myself! This is a huuuuge game not only for Michigan, but for the Big Ten as a whole. (Can we stop calling it the Big Ten already? There are like 30 teams in it now. I get the whole “Tradition angle, but it just stops making sense after you add teams 13 and 14 to the mix. For once, I actually have no witty quips about what they should call it. You get a free pass here Jim Delany.) A showdown of two of the top defensive teams in the country right now will certainly draw a lot of eyes, and it is important that Michigan makes the most out of this spotlight.  A great way to do so would be to embarrass Northwestern at every opportunity, so why not start right now with 4th and 31?

First off, Northwestern is a SMART University, and not just a “Oh yeah, that is a really good school to go to” type of smart, we are talking acceptance rate of 13% smart. For comparison, the University of Michigan accepts 32% of applicants. Sounds a little elitist, no? That’s because these are the guys that go to Northwestern. (Full disclosure, I was going to hyperlink to an image, but each picture had been copied and pasted so many times there were more pixels than douchebags wearing chubbies. So anyways, imagine with me the typical frat bro wearing short shorts ((Chubbies as the kids call them these days)) with a pastel colored Ralph Lauren/Hilfiger polo, slicked back hair or even better the Macklemore cut, and boat shoes.) It isn’t necessarily the outfit that defines the person, it is simply how they wear it. There is an arrogance about it, like it is almost screaming at you “I am going to grow up and make six figures somewhere in the government and meet my future trophy wife at a party after doing a line of coke on her back, have fun drinking your name brand beer and going home with 4’s every other weekend.” (I have some deep seated issues that I should probably talk to someone about.)

Playing off of the elitist angle, Northwestern is also the only school that would dare try and unionize as student athletes and demand compensation for play. Regardless of where you fall on the issue, this is hilarious to me on several different levels. First off all, try and imagine ANY other college team besides Northwestern trying to pull this crap off. Can you imagine Cardale “We ain’t come to play school” Jones sitting down the boys in the locker room after a grueling game against Western Michigan (Heh) and exclaiming “WE ARE ENTITLED TO THE ECONOMIC BENEFITS OF WHICH WE PROVIDE THIS GREAT INSTITUTION THROUGH OUR PHYSICAL PROWESS.”? And that isn’t an attack on Cardale Jone’s intelligence, of which I’m sure there is some, it’s just telling of just how smart Northwestern’s football players have to be to try and make that argument and defend it from a legal perspective. Secondly, where the hell does Northwestern get off thinking that it’s players are somehow missing out on a truckload of cash every week? Sure, Northwestern is a good football team, but if we are being honest they are always just kinda there. They are like that friend that kinda hangs around and you have some good times with them and such and then one day they take off and you don’t see them for a year and you realize that you never really needed them around anyways to enjoy yourself. (Pay attention kids, this is some invaluable life advice here) No offense, but I can’t exactly imagine a Clayton Thorson (Northwestern’s quarterback for those of you unaware like myself) jersey being a hot holiday item that would net the kid big bucks. Add up what the guy gets in free college, healthcare, and training and I’m sure his jersey sales wouldn’t be a drop in the bucket. SO SIT DOWN PLAY SUM FOOTBAWW AND STOP THIS WANNABE LAWYER BS is what I’m getting at. (I’m reeeally enjoying this all caps MLive comment format, I look forward to using it in the future.)

Lastly, Northwestern is standing in the way. Hypothetically, (I am not assuming anything here, this will be a legit tough game and could really go either way.) if Michigan were to win this game they would face MSU in one of the biggest games between the two in recent memory. Like we are talking college gameday in Ann Arbor, shut the state down, lock your doors because somebody might riot big. But we can’t look ahead to that, because stupid Northwestern stands in the way. If you are like me, you love it when a  good hot ‘n’ tasty hype train comes chugging down the tracks. And what could top the hype that would lead up into that game? Nothing. Absolutely nothing I tell you. You could tell me that world peace had been declared or that the government was being shut down permanently (I’m on a big anarchist kick right now. Don’t worry NSA agent that is reading this, it’ll pass soon I’m sure.) and it wouldn’t match the hype that would be out there for this game. SO TAKE CARE OF BIDNESS THIS WEEK SO I CAN GET TO WRITE THE POST OF A LIFETIME HARBAUGH LEAD US TO VICTORY GO BLUE #HAIL #HARBAUGH4DEFENSESECRETARY

Jim Salow
Jim Salow is a senior Business student at Spring Arbor University. He enjoys knitting cats pajamas, reading spicy hot takes, and writing his own bios. Obviously, he takes himself very seriously. Presently, he writes the 4th and 31 column on Game Weeks.