4th and 31: A Fan’s Guide to Hating Michigan State

Posted on Posted in Michigan Football

WOOOOOOOO WHAT’D YA BOI JIM SAY?! (I love that commercial and you should too. GIMME SOME COLD CUTS!) Jimmy and the gang did it! Not only did they pull out a W, but they did so in a fashion that none of us could have predicted. And what a game it was! I had the pleasure of being in A2 on Saturday, and from the opening kick the place was electric. What a difference a year can make. It has honestly been incredible to see the turnaround in atmosphere at the Big House, wherein for the last 8-ish years or so fans have been tempered by pessimism and have now become big-time proponents of optimism. What I am trying to say is WHO’S GOT IT BETTER THAN US?! This week has been a fun one for a Wal-Mart Wolverine fan (I know, I know, that’s supposed to be a pejorative but as someone who doesn’t attend U of M you kinda just have to own it. Yep, you got me real good there Sparty. I don’t go to a school with a 30% acceptance rate. At least I’m not at your degree-printing program that you call an academic institution. ) to just kick back and watch the hatred flow between A2 and EL. My Facebook and twitter have become little meme factories recycling all the same old jokes about Michigan fans being arrogant and Sparten fans knot nowing how to spell. And you know what? It’s awesome. People don’t get enough hatred in their lives these days. From politics to sports we walk this thin line where we can’t outright hate something anymore, and that’s a real shame. So as your self appointed “Hater-in-Chief” lets get some hatred flowing and see where this goes.

I hate Michigan State. I hate Mark Dantonio and his stupid resting grump face. The guy looks like that one really angry bird Muppet that has a stick up his butt. (Tell me Dantonio doesn’t look exactly like this Muppet) I hate the Bullough clan. I hate instant replay but only when it benefits a team other than my own. I hate the NFL. I hate the NFL rulebook. I hate what passes for sports journalism. I hate big media. I hate taxes. I hate the government. I hate Bureaucrats. If you can’t tell by now, I just got out of 5 consecutive hours of class and haven’t eaten yet. I’m hoping that my being Hangry translates into a killer 4th and 31 post, but at this point I’m more concerned about the Feds paying me a visit regarding my newfound inner anarchist. All of this to say, Michigan State blows as a university. Sure, they’ve been relevant for the last 7/8 years and certainly given us an ass whooping or 5…or 6. Anyways, not the point. This Saturday should be the heralding of a new era of mediocrity of MSU Football. I’m sick and tired of the “OH BUT WE ARE RELEVANT NOW AND U ARENT AHAHA SCuM.” talk. I really hope genuinely hope MSU fans enjoyed the spotlight for the last few years, because it isn’t coming back for a LONG LONG time comeSaturday at 3:30.

Two last quick trolls on ol’ Sparty’s behalf and then it is on to dinner for me. So if you haven’t heard the news, this week USC head coach Steve Sarkisian was fired for allegedly coaching while intoxicated on the sidelines and at team practice. There are no jokes to be made here, drug and alcohol addiction are a scourge on our society and I genuinely hope that Steve gets the help that he needs. However, with the USC job presumably available at the end of the year and two powerhouse coaches encroaching in on Dantonio’s recruits, who could blame Mark if he wanted to take a look at what the left coast had to offer?  *Insert devilish smile here* After all, if my research is correct, his contract is up at the end of the year. Sure, Athletic Director Mark Hollis would probably sell his soul to keep Dantonio in East Lansing until the end of time, but isn’t there something appealing about that shining university in the west? This isn’t to say that I would want Mark Dantonio to leave EL to serve some inner desire to see the place go up in flames without his stewardship. We got our coach, we are happy with our coach, and could really care less who we go up against on any given Saturday. But wouldn’t it be great to see the knife twist just a little in the backs of Spartan fans all over the State to see the man who has resurrected that program from the dead move on to bigger and better things?

Lastly, I want to welcome Michigan State fans to the team. Yeah, you heard me right. Welcome to the University of Michigan fan base former Spartan fans. Right now you might be thinking to yourselves “This guy has lost it, he hasn’t eaten in 6 hours and has lost all capacity to think critically.” To that I say no contest. But in today’s highly competitive and increasingly interconnected world of college sports, the power of the bandwagon is no joke. How else do you explain Kentucky Wildcats fans? Miami Heat fans? Or what about more recently the Chicago Cubs fans that have come out of the woodworks? Fan bases are a measure of what is popular, and for the last 8 years MSU has been the hot new thing on the block. MSU is like that one really cool new band that all your friends like and you personally don’t mind much so you listen along and maybe even buy an album or a t-shirt of theirs. But eventually, the band gets just a little too popular. Think Mumford and Sons. If MSU was a band I sure as hell hope they would be the Mumford and Sons. They both got popular really fast, and enjoyed their time in the spotlight, however the Mumford and Sons go on hiatus for a few years and then put out an album that is almost unrecognizable and alienates most of the causal fans. All that to say, MSU’s Wilder Mind is coming. And when that happens, I can say with some certainty that some fair weather Spartan fans will find themselves wishing they were on the HARBAUGH EXPRESS, and I want to welcome them with open arms. Why complain about bandwagon fans anymore, after all it just goes to prove the point that WHOSE GOT IT BETTER THAN US?!
Jim Salow
Jim Salow is a senior Business student at Spring Arbor University. He enjoys knitting cats pajamas, reading spicy hot takes, and writing his own bios. Obviously, he takes himself very seriously. Presently, he writes the 4th and 31 column on Game Weeks.