4th and 31: A Fan’s Guide to Hating Oregon State

Posted on Posted in Michigan Football

Well, the hype train has come to a screeching halt. Sure, there were positives to take from last Saturday, but none of us were looking to take away “positives” from the showdown in Provo; we wanted the W. Obviously, my write-up on hating Utah was good (Who could forget the classic polygamy bowl bit?) but not good enough to secure a win for the boys in blue. And to answer your question, yes, I am delusional enough to assume that this write up influences everything from football games to the global geopolitical landscape. (Look for the refugee crisis in Europe to be shored up by kickoff Saturday.) So this week I am going to double down on the hatred and see where that gets us with Oregon State.

So what do we know about Oregon THE state? Well for starters, it does exist. (If you don’t get it, check out last week’s article where Jim fumbled basic US geography for several paragraphs.) Located in the Pacific Northwest, Oregon is home to scenic forests, Mt. Hood, and insufferable hipsters. It would be unfair to throw the ENTIRE state of Oregon under the bus for a hipster problem that is largely confined to Portland, but I am going to do it anyway. Life isn’t fair and neither is 4th and 31. Portland, located a couple of hours north of Oregon State’s campus, is generally one of the most detestable places in America outside of Ohio, or at least the check out line at Wal-Mart. Even that doesn’t quite cover it. Portland would be the outcome if people who maintain and use typewriters and the cast season of season 6 of Big Brother got together and had a baby, and everyone who has ever gone to burning man raised that baby. Portland sucks. Period. Oregon also sucks. Double period.

So now that we know Oregon sucks, what about Oregon State? Primarily, their uniforms are ugly. Any team that models their look on the Cleveland Browns just does not bode well. I hate to have to use this on Oregon State, but their uniforms make the Cleveland Browns uniforms look just ok. I honestly think that Nike must take the all of the rejected Oregon Ducks designs and pass them off on Oregon State like they are the hottest new designs. Seriously, I mean these guys running around on the field look like a bunch of rejected traffic cones. I hope the Beavers are ready for some roadwork come this Saturday.

At the end of the day, Michigan is taking on the poor man’s Michigan State on Saturday afternoon. I hate Michigan State, ergo I hate Oregon State. Really any university that rolls with the “State” moniker is a subpar university in my mind. If your university is really so great, it’d just be Oregon. It’d just be Michigan. It’d just be Mississippi. (I really just wanted to spell out Mississippi; it has been years since I’ve been able to.) So come this weekend, lets win a game for all of the REAL state universities! Go Blue!

Jim Salow
Jim Salow is a senior Business student at Spring Arbor University. He enjoys knitting cats pajamas, reading spicy hot takes, and writing his own bios. Obviously, he takes himself very seriously. Presently, he writes the 4th and 31 column on Game Weeks.