“Michigan Sucks”

Posted on Posted in Michigan Football

The Internet is fascinating.

The other day the cord to Beats by Dre stopped working–I may have accidentally exposed it to water–so I had to head to Amazon to buy yet another one. I refreshed a page maybe hundreds of times as I watched the finishing touches go on a launching website. I’m using the Internet for quality purposes! Some people, not so much.

Admittedly, one of the most enjoyable things I’ve ever done on the Internet was type “How to” or “Where does” into the Google search bar and read through the first suggestions. Hint: they’re mostly naughty. So as I sat in my living room chair at 10:30 p.m. on Wednesday night, brainstorming topics for my next article, it hit me.

“Michigan sucks.”

Google spit out some websites and blog posts that seized to disappoint. Here’s the best of the best from my trip down Google’s streets.

From: Everything Buckeyes 

Though this site is mainly dedicated to distributing everything from Ohio State shirts to belt buckles, they have a beautiful display of “Michigan sucks” photos for your viewing pleasure. And I have to admit I was a little surprised to see this Buckeye website looked to be relatively clean and–dare I say it?–educated.

From: mstillsucks.com 

MStillSucks.com was a rather unique experience. At first, you’re viewing countless pictures of the scoreboard after each Michigan-Ohio State game. I guess there’s always the possibility this site was trying to make it as a reference data base and thought they might need some visual evidence to be credible.

As you scroll down the page, though, you’re quickly bombarded with obscure pictures and animations. They feature everything from a child in a Buckeyes jersey kicking the sensitive area of a man in a Michigan jersey to a meme of Lloyd Carr. They really turned over every stone for this one.

The greatest part about this particular site is probably the option to apply to become a contributor, mostly because there are only photos. And in my experience, if someone is nice enough to hand over a photo they took, you stay away from making them fill out an application. Next to that is what they call the “Guestbook.” It’s really just a bunch of comments.

My favorite that I saw from a quick scan (keeping it the way it was written): “wow michigan has fat hokie sandwich and Mr. Interception on quarterback. College football better watch out!” And you can basically catch the idea of every other comment by reading that one.

From: Ohio State’s Chemistry Department 

Now this is truly fascinating. Ohio State’s chemistry department has taken time out of its day to share some Michigan jokes with us! Let’s round up the best.

Q: What does the average Michigan player get on his/her SAT?
A: Drool. 

My comment: I have a drooling problem, and it is no laughing matter.

Q: How do you make Wolverine cookies?
A: Put them in a big bowl and beat them for three hours.

My Comment: This has to be the most inefficient way to make a batch of cookies.

Q: How do you keep your family safe from a Wolverine?
A: Move to Pasadena.

My Comment: This is factual, considering Pasadena’s climate.

From: Rival Gear in Cleveland 

This website actually does us the favor of summarizing an Ohioan’s focus in one place. First, there is a section of the site dedicated to the illusion that Cleveland sports are relevant. Then there is a second section simply titled, “KissMyAssLebron.” And finally we come to, “Michigan Still Sucks.”

The particular post I’m viewing is a plug for a shirt this company apparently sells. The front reads, “It’s 5:00 Somewhere And…” and the back reads, “Michigan Still Sucks!”

Where are these comparisons coming from?

Oh, by the way, you can purchase that shirt for $11.99, which is a great deal when you consider the last person who bought that shirt paid a whopping–wait, who are we kidding?–no one on Earth is paying money for that.

From: Take Your Shirt Off Tom Brady 

First of all, let’s take a moment to appreciate this title. And then let’s take another moment to read the “About TYSOTB.”

Ages ago, a shadowy cabal of some of the most influential movers and shakers alive deemed that the world needed checks against the rise of skirt wearers in the sporting world.  TYSOTB was commisioned to be the weapon with which this disturbing trend would be fought.  We tackle issues across the full spectrum of athletics, with the goal of creating a manlier world through humorous bloggery.

None of this is adding up.

When I first hopped on the site, I read a post about how Aaron Craft is God’s gift to basketball. And literally everything after that was Michigan this and Michigan that. I felt like someone was watching me the whole time I was reading.

Once you go to the site’s home page, though, things just get downright crazy when the writer is pleading with all four of his readers that Jim Harbaugh should not be an employed man in the NFL.

My favorite line from the post: “But Vato [the writer’s name],” I imagine you saying, “You are so impossibly handsome and right about things all the time.  I envy your muscular build and classically sculpted features.   But what about Harbaugh’s NFL pedigree?”

I just don’t get it. 

Tyler Fenwick
Managing Editor at The Big House Report
I am an aspiring journalist studying at IUPUI. I am the third (and youngest) manager of The Big House Report, and it's my responsibility to make sure it runs more smoothly today than it did yesterday.