Monday Monologue 06.04.12

Posted on Posted in Michigan Football
Shame, shame.

Lance is a diehard Michigan fan based deep in enemy territory (Columbus, Ohio). You can follow him on Twitter @LanceGordon. Look for his “Monday Monologue” series every Monday right here at The Big House Report!

Monday Monologue 06.04.12

A few of my twitter followers are Buckeye fans (amazing, isn’t it?) and they’ve mentioned I use this column as a means to rip their team. While these accusations may or may not be true, let me just say that their program makes my job easy, the same way Charlie Sheen made Letterman and Leno’s writing easy a year ago. Quite simply, the Buckeyes are an easier target than a Greg Robinson secondary.

Julia Roberts played a prostitute in “Pretty Woman”. Last night in the Miss America pageant, Miss Ohio cited this movie character as her role model. It was this answer that showcased why it was such a nail-biter race for the title of Miss Ohio between this contestant and eventual runner-up Casey Anthony.

Another Buckeye in the news is Jake Stoneburner, TE, who got arrested for reportedly urinating in public and then running from the cops. Urban Meyer sentenced him to an indefinite suspension (probably the first series of the Miami OH game) and a permanent spot in the infamous “circle of trust”.

At this point, it’s only fair to mention that DT Big Will Campbell of Michigan got arrested for drunkenly sliding across the hood of a vehicle and damaging it. Another Michigan based DT, Nick Fairley of the Lions, got a DUI the same week, for reportedly driving 100 mph with an open alcohol container. While both state-of-Michigan DTs were re-enacting Smokey & The Bandit, southerners are quick to point out that the former Auburn DT’s incident is supreme, because he was operating the vehicle with “S-E-C Speed”.

Michigan commit Logan Tuley-Tillman made national headlines for tweeting a picture of himself burning a piece of recruiting mail from the Buckeyes. The bad news is that this resulted in death threats for LTT. The good news  is that the keys to Terrelle Pryor’s old Nissan 350Z survived the flames.

Always in the news is Ohio State AD Gene Smith. This week, we learned that despite all records of the game being deleted from school record, Gene Smith kept his $61,500 Sugar Bowl bonus. In related news, Gene Smith has secured his spot on the Mount Rushmore of “what does it take to get this guy fired?!?!?” along with Gary Bettman, Bud Selig, and Tim McCarver.

Outstanding recruit Henry Poggi had a final 2 of Michigan and Alabama. Alabama head coach (and former MSU head coach) Nick Saban channeled his inner-Sparty and lost the big name recruit to Michigan, like it was the 1990s all over again.

Derek Devine
Institutional voice of Alma College during the day, Michigan fanatic at night. Taking TBHR to the next level one post at a time.